Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Part 2 of my random world...

Well I am back home.  I was with Man for probably less than 15 minutes.  You can read part one here which will make this post make more sense.

First of all I should say a couple of things that I omitted before.  He is a relative - Man that is!  Also, he does have one of those emergency pendant alarms and as far as I can tell he does wear it and know how to use it so I didn't think that anything fatal or medical had happened when I wrote what I did earlier.  So I hope that you don't think that I was being flippant.  I probably am a bit flippant about it, but if find it easier to cope that way.  You have to laugh otherwise you cry right!

So, all is reasonably well....

Man is all fine and in one piece and was up - and amazingly dressed in warm clothes when I arrived so that was good.

Turns out that his cleaner came yesterday - randomly as she is supposed to be coming next week, but anyway - and rather than ask her to clean out the mouldy stinky horrible fridge - because it is like that and we are not allowed to clean it, we are only just allowed to throw out the manky food... - Man decided to ask her to clean out the cupboard under the sink.  Random I know, but at least it was a job that needed doing.

Apparently the cleaner opened the doors and found a massive flood in the cupboard - cause you know that cupboards are so good at holding in floods! - and that the water was coming from a leaky tap.  She took everything out of the cupboard, mopped up the water and put a bowl under the drip to catch any more water.  All of which is good.  Well, as in a good way to deal with a leak.

Man then decided that he would go out to get his prescriptions.  This was at 2.30 in the afternoon he says.  He didn't telephone us to tell us about the leak, he went out instead.  Then, at 9.30 at night, when he got back from the pharmacy (who knows where he was for seven hours....) he decides to call us and tell us.  Except he didn't.  He telephoned Hubby's work number because - yes, hold on to your seats for this one - he assumed that the number written in big numbers on the back of Hubby's business card was our home number because it has the same dialling code as our home phone number.... 

Yes you might think that I was then speechless, but I wasn't because I am quite used to hearing this sort of thing.  Because yes, you know, everyone has their home phone number on their business card, and no one has the same dialling code for their work number as their home number and of course everyones home phone has an answering machine message saying this is Mr X from Company Name etc etc....  Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We had a conversation.  I explained that Hubby does not have his home phone number on his business card - and wrote that on the card! - and that Man should have called when he discovered the leak and that we - by which I mean Hubby - could have gone and fixed it yesterday evening.

Man then went on to tell me that he thought that Hubby would come and see him this evening - why? - and would fix it then - because you know Hubby always carries plumbing gear with him (not!) - and that he was going to ask a neighbour to look at it because - get this! - the neighbours wife goes out on a Tuesday and the neighbour would be home alone with nothing to do...

Oh, and the reason the tap is leaking.  Yes, Man knows exactly why...  Because Hubby's brother did some washing up and forced the tap on (it is a lever that moves at the slightest touch!) and that has broken something and cause the leak.  He knows this because the tap is crooked...

So many issues! 

I hope that you don't think that I am mean.  So many times I could have written things, have written things and then deleted them, but this time I am going for it, so I hope you don't hate me.  I have to write and say these things in a quite matter of fact way as otherwise I get really messed up about it - I have been quite ill over it all in the past - so it isn't that I don't care, it is actually because I care a lot, and this is the way that I deal with him and care for myself at the same time.

It is a tough situation, Hubby's brother lives a long way away, and does not believe that there is anything wrong with Man because he sees him so rarely and because if you don't look too deeply or ask any questions Man's remarks/conversation/arguments can sound quite plausible.  However, if you really stop and think and listen they aren't.  Such as the cupboard was holding in a massive flood and no water had been dripping out.  He also has an answer for everything.  Plus neither Hubby or his brother will ever question anyone about anything, least of all Man.

That is where we are.  I have called Hubby and told him to get home from work today quick smart so that he can go and fix the leak.  There wasn't anything I could do other than confirm that there is a very small drip, and empty the container the cleaner put in place to sort out the drip as I didn't have any tools with me - because I am not a plumber either!  All will be fine I am sure.  I expect that Man has been shoving stuff in the cupboard and knocked something, or there is just a drip - as does sometimes happen!

We move on to the next challenge another day.  The good news is that it is now warmer, drier and the sun has come out, so after I have had my lunch I am going to go for my walk in the sun!  See.  Every cloud has a silver lining!

Amy

64 comments:

  1. It's difficult when people get older and aren't always able to see things as clearly. We help in the best way we can but do what is needed to preserve our own sanity. Sometimes help offered is pushed away because it is seen as a loss of independence. Can definitely be a slippery slope when anger and frustration are present.

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    1. You are so right Tammy. We are very aware of the loss of independence issues and try not to step in too much because of that, but it is a hard thing to balance isn't it. xx

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  2. it must be really hard Amy, I'm glad there was nothing serious x

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  3. I'm not sure what Man was like before, he may always have been a difficult to manage sort of person...they are around you kno ;) It sounds very much like Man has the early signs of dementia? My Mum, who was very organised (an actually one of the loveliest people you could meet) started to act very bizarrely. It was frustrating, and difficult, and frustrating, and worrying, and frustrating! It could be the Man is being difficult and not nice...and living a whole hour away must be awful, I only lived a five minute drive away, and that was difficult enough. It could also be that he wants attention, is confused, childlike? I'm not sure, but what I do know is that we hadn't really made the connection between my mums dementia and her unusual and out of character behaviour. Whatever it is, I understand how difficult it can be, especially if you are worried about their safety. Have you got all the support in place you need, I know the recourses are even more stretched than they used to be :) xxx

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    1. You are so right, and are well aware that this is indeed the situation - likely early signs of dementia - but it is hard to get someone to get help when others are telling them they are fine! As you say, it is the safety and the safety of others around them that we worry about most. I think that I will write more about this and explain more then! Thank you for your thoughts, I know that sadly you understand all too well. xx

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    2. Bless you Amy, it's a very difficult situation, especially if you aren't all singing from the same song sheet! Our GP thought mum was depressed but we all knew there was more too it, but didn't think dementia at the early stages. It's a very frightening time for them, which they can't always express. Sending you my love :) xxx

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  4. These things are sent to try us, and boy do they ever. It is very hard on the soul to deal with this type of condition, my mother suffered with slight dementia and that was bad enough. Every time I found her in the wardrobe looking for the bathroom I tried to laugh it off. Perhaps you should ask(demand) that the other family members read these 2 posts.

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    1. I would Pam, but I like to keep my blog private, just me and the several hundred readers that is! Perhaps I should just tidy it up a bit and send it as an e-mail though. I am sorry that you had to deal with difficulties with your Mum and that she had to go through this. xx

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  5. You've got to laugh or you'd cry, I know. Take a deep breath and get out for that walk, the fresh air will do you good and clear your head. Sending lots of hugs.

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    1. The walk was great thanks Jo, it did clear my head! Thank you for the hugs. I am sorry that you are in the situation which means that you "know" xx

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  6. Oh dear Amy-very testing times. Enjoy your walk in the sunshine (we have sunshine here too) and I had a refreshing walk on the beach this morning with Harry which perked me up after all the rain and wind. Take care.

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    1. Thank you. A beach walk is a wonderful thing for clearing the cobwebs isn't it. One of my favourite places to walk if I ever get the chance! xx

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  7. I don't like to bring the words 'Adult social care' in, but I wonder if he has been assessed by anyone, and whether some help might be forthcoming?

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    1. Well... Yes, he has. But, he managed to convince them that he was fine! They only did a phone assessment and would only take into account what he told them and not what I told them... If you ask someone if they are alright they will say yes and if you then believe that you don't go anywhere do you. I appreciate the suggestion and thought though, and for anyone else, you are totally right! xx

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  8. Oh Amy, I feel for you, there is no way to win in a situation like this, just grin and bear it. I have a sister I do not communicate with because the life she has chose/let happen to her is too bizarre to believe. My sister, who I do stay in touch with, who lives near her has also broken off communication. There are no easy answers and we're going to feel guilty no matter what we do. A virtual hug, enjoy the sunshine.

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    1. It sounds like a very difficult situation with your sister, I am so sorry for you. Thank you for the hug, the sun was good! xx

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  9. I'm glad it wasn't anything too serious. Frustrating situation...

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  10. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to see eye-to-eye or NOT when it comes to dealing with siblings and elderly parents. My brothers are so dear to my mama and she is very capable but I know many elderly people are not and they can pass out "cold pricklies" instead of "warm fuzzies" and make the people who are trying to care for them feel very glum. They say (whoever "they" are) that it's important to keep a sense of humor through it all, but that's not always easy to do, is it?

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    1. It isn't always easy I agree, but we can try can't we. It sounds as though your brothers do a good job of caring for your Mama which is good, and I am sure that you would do too! xx

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  11. You are very good to go to 'Man's ' rescue. Sounds like he is on the autism spectrum and that you need to be a saint to deal with him. Hope you managed to get a good walk. I am suffering cabin fever at the moment. Will just have to put on wet weather gear and brave it :) Barbara X

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    1. I think sadly more dementia than autism, but there are certainly some things that seem similar between the two to me. You should get yourself out and get a good walk, it really is worth it! xx

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  12. The one bit of advice that I would like to give is make sure you are looking after yourself. You can only look after others if you are fit and well as I found out last year. Maybe some home help each day might be in order.

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    1. Yes thank you, we are looking after ourselves, we have learned that! You are right that you need to be in a fit state to be a carer don't you! xx

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  13. Hello Amy, it's probably very theraputic for you to have written this post. I understand your frustrations. My father suffered from an inoperatable brain tumor and it affected his reasoning sometimes. And my Grandma had dementia. I know know it's hard to deal with but you are very kind to care and do what is needed. You are doing all you can and you can feel good about that. I hope you can have a little rest for the remainder of the week. Hugs to you, Pat

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    1. I am lucky that I have some great friends who listen, but yes, it probably was good therapy! Sometimes you just need to get it out don't you. I am so sorry that your family have had such difficulties to deal with, it must have been very difficult indeed. xx

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  14. Well, you know my story, and I really do sympathize with you Amy. Through all of my dad's care, the early stages of his dementia were by far the very worst times. He was terrified and I'm sure he knew full well what was happening to him as his mother and sister went the same way. Not something he dealt with easily and lashed out at us and came up with the craziest ideas in order to remain in his own home. It's so difficult to stay positive when you are dealing with this alone (ie. you & hubby). I'm still surprised that the 'authorities' didn't recognize his symptoms and you are left with worrying about him while he lives on his own. Is there a neighbour that you trust to could check on him regularly and report back to you? If the visits were disguised as just a friendly neighbour popping in, he may not balk at that, whereas he is probably refusing other outside help. I'm glad you got out for your walk ... that is what I did each day through it all too as I worried incessantly about Dad when I wasn't there. Big hugs to you my friend, and I hope that there are no more incidents for a while now.
    Wendy x

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    1. We have - as you know! - tried lots of things! If you met him I expect that you would say he is fine, but as you know it is the other things behind the scenes that are the cause for concern, that is how he has managed to dodge the authorities so far! Makes it very difficult! You know that I am always thinking of you and your Dad! xx

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  15. Frustration all round, I say.... you at the wasted time, Hubby at the worries about the future and Man because if he has any self-awareness at any time he must be terrified of having to admit the truth.....
    My big fuzzy hug is heading your way. And do share your problems with others. We may not be good at practical help (in a virtual world) but you will get love, thoughts and prayers a plenty. Bless you x

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    1. Thank you for the hugs and thoughts and prayers, I am sure they make a difference! I fear most in some ways for the self awareness and I think that is a contributor to many of the tall tales that we get told. You are right, we can only imagine the terror. xx

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  16. I must have missed part one. It's all so tricky. You will just have to imagine it is a comedy sketch as a way to cope with it all . As long as he's OK of course, otherwise you'll just get exasperated. Next time you go take some crochet with you. It's all so difficult. x

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    1. I am sure that some of my friends feel they are in a comedy sketch when I relate things to them, and indeed, in one situation once I wasn't so sure that I hadn't wandered into one myself. Good suggestion on the crochet, except I can't because I cannot bear for my crochet to be there! xx

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  17. I can only sympathize - with what I believe the condition of 'Man' is dementia / Alzheimer's. Having lived with and seen both my dear Gran and then my dear mum have this most cruel-lest of diseases my thoughts and good wishes are with you.

    All the best Jan

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    1. Thank you Jan. I am sure that you are right, but without being able to get a diagnosis which for many reasons we cannot it is tough. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this in your own family. xx

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  18. Even if we love people very much, they can still drive us crazy! Especially when they insist nothing is wrong, when in fact it is very clear to us that something is VERY wrong! I'm glad you could write about it here and release some pressure - sadly many of my family read my blog so I don't have that option... Be kind to yourself - you did everything you could at the time.

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    1. Thank you Annie. This is exactly the sort of reason that I keep my blog to myself, so I understand your own frustration of not being able to write about it. You can always send me an e-mail though if you need to vent! I am a good listener! I hope that your own situation will go as well as it can do. xx

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  19. It's a thankless situation, isn't it? Hugs to both you and your hubby, Amy.

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  20. Amy, I don't think you are mean at all, you are an absolutely lovely person. I know how frustrating it can be dealing with this sort of thing, and even more so if you are an hour's drive away. I'm glad it wasn't anything too serious, you are a star for going and sorting it all out. I'm hoping the rest of the week goes a bit better for you. Hugs, CJ xx

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    1. Thank you for saying that CJ and for the hugs. xx

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  21. Oh dear. So sorry that you have to deal with these issues! I have an Aged P of my own living nearby, and can sympathise with your frustration. Hang in there, and get out in the sun as often as you can.

    :)

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    1. I am sorry that you are having your own situation to deal with. It is tough isn't it. We will all hang in there together and support each other as best we can! xx

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  22. I'm sorry that you have this on-going difficult situation Amy. I do hope the person you are so concerned about consents to receiving some support from the caring professions which will alleviate some of the anxiety you're experiencing. The unpredictable nature of the situation when you are called out to make sure all is well or otherwise must be stressful.

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    1. Thank you for your kind thoughts Linda. It is stressful, but onwards we go and we keep hoping that we will be able to get some intervention at some point before things progress too badly! xx

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  23. That's what I call an 'interesting day'. I hope you enjoyed your walk and the sun kept on shining for you Amy.

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    1. It certainly was "interesting"!! I think that we must have the same sense of humour! xx

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  24. Amy, it's good that you can off-load your frustrations here like this. We all have these things to bear - and it sounds like you are actually doing all you can in a trying situation. That's life ... just keep on keeping on! And rant a bit... xCathy

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    1. Thank you Cathy. I am reasonably good at letting it go, I just don't usually do that in this space. As you say, we just keep on keeping on! xx

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  25. Oh you're not alone my sweet Amy! I understand the "care giving" nature of things & all its forms. I completely understand the patience required & the constant road bumps. I would never judge & commend you for doing your best for your relative. ;)

    I'm having some health concerns & hope to be better soon. Just want you to know why not visiting & posting probably as much this week.

    Blessings on your week & prayers for no further road bumps!! Xoxo

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    1. I know you know and it makes me so sad that you do! I will e-mail you today about the rest. Hugs! xx

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  26. Oh my - what a day you had. Glad all is ok, but we know there will be more issues to come. Hope the rest of the week goes well!

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    1. Thank you Mari. Yes, more to come and we will deal with it as and when! xx

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  27. Dear Amy, I have read your two posts, and totally understand. Good on you for writing about the frustration of it all, venting is good for the soul. Having had some experience in these matters, with several family members, I have absolutely found that some friends/relatives are much slower to accept or even notice what is happening. Perhaps it is denial. It has caused me many of the same situations you are in. I too have made early morning dashes, changing plans for the day (including when I was at university), often to find the one who made the phone call did not even remember calling, let alone the 'problem'. You are very caring, and I send you a big virtual hug of understanding. :) xox

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    1. I am so glad for your understanding, but I hate that you are in the situation that means that you do understand if that makes sense! I know that I am hyper aware of these things, and that others would be unaware of anything unless you physically hit them with it over the head, but it is getting tough that they don't or won't see it! I think you are right, it is denial. We just keep going don't we . Thank you for your kind words! xx

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  28. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE SAID HERE IN THE COMMENTS, AND TO THOSE OF YOU WHO READ THESE POSTS AND DIDN'T LEAVE A COMMENT - which is totally fine by the way, I get it. YES, I AM SHOUTING, BECAUSE THANK YOU! XX

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  29. Life is messy, isn't it? It certainly can be frustrating, but you have handled it well and with kindness and patience.

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  30. Have just read both your posts Amy and think you must have the patience of a saint! I have had experience of family members with dementia so I know how frustrating it can be. Keep smiling xx

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    1. I have yet to comment, but read your post today, seems that we are in similar situations! You have great patience too I am sure. xx

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  31. Oh I am so sorry, Amy. I had to go back a bit and catch up because I have been inconsistent in my reading lately. I have walked this path and it is difficult to say the least. I felt every emotion, anger, fear, regret, guilt, sadness and sorrow. I took care of my parents for 5 years, 2 of which I had my mother with me where I worked in the nursing home. Feel what you feel and express what you feel. It is the only way to get through it. Thinking of you and understanding what you are going through. My parents died within 6 months of each other and daddy has been gone 5 years. When they pass, you feel relief and then guilt for feeling relief and then you sort through all the years of hurt and abuse and etc that went with childhood. Finally there is healing and some acceptance. Prayers for you as you walk through each passage.

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    1. Thank you. I am so sorry that you have an understanding of this because it means that you have been through it and I am sorry for that. We just have to do what we can don't we. xx

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  32. Well I am so glad all ended up well and that the leak will be fixed in no time at all. Men are difficult aren't they? No matter how old they are.
    Hugs,
    MEredith

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    1. Yes, men can be tricky! Although I am sure that they say the same about us!! xx

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