Wednesday, 9 December 2015

A Letter To Father Christmas - A Christmas Tale

Dear Father Christmas

I have tried to be very good this year.  Although I am not sure that I have managed it, so whether or not I end up on the nice list is debatable.  Perhaps you have already put me on the naughty list and if so, I understand.

Perhaps though I can offer some mitigation for all that you have seen this year.

Yes, it was me that you saw stuffing garden waste into the neighbours bin.  And the bin belonging to the neighbours on the other side.  In my defence there was a mountain of the stuff to get rid of, and they were both away on holiday.  Surely you can see that it was a waste just to leave the bins empty on collection day.

I must also admit to being the person who did indeed take the large box of reduced by 70% chocolates out of that old ladies trolley at the supermarket.  I needed chocolate and, well, lets face it, she was never going to eat that many chocolates was she.  Sorry.  I know, I am bad.  I didn't exactly steal it though, I did pay for them, and you will remember that I did share them.  Well, two of them.  OK, I admit it, one of them.

As for the other little thing.  I am sorry.  Truly.  I really didn't mean it.  Well, obviously, I did it, but not maliciously.  Or with intent to cause harm.  You are right, I shouldn't have coughed my germs everywhere all over that woman, but did you see what she did!!!  She took the last parking space.  From under my nose.  So rude!!

Oh, so many troubles.  I am sure that I am on the naughty list.  Really I didn't mean to be bad and I have tried to be good.  Perhaps if I remind you of some of the better things you will change your mind.

Remember when I went round to both neighbours while they were both away to check on their houses and get the post in.  Every day.  For a month.  And neither of them said thank you.  Sorry.  That sounded grumpier than I meant it to.  I also fed the demon cat Spike every day for a month even though he kept spitting at me and scratched me every day.  And I kept his litter tray emptied.  And remember, no one said thank you.  Sorry that isn't very gracious is it.  I hope you know what I mean!

Collecting all of those sports equipment for schools coupons and then going to seven different schools to try and find one that was collecting them.  Only to discover that the date for sending them in had passed.  I did give them a donation though.  These things just seem to backfire on me somehow.

Not eating a single cake while manning the cake stall at the church fete this summer.  I bought and paid for everything that I consumed and only did so after my stint was over.  And I baked three cakes and two trays of biscuits.  I realise that dropping them all on the way there meant that no one actually got to buy or eat them, but I tried.

It just seems that being good always goes wrong for me.  I don't know why.  I try so hard, it just doesn't seem to come out right.

Anyway, if by some miracle the good has outweighed the bad, and you are accepting gift requests, here is what I would like this year, if you would kindly consider my request.  Please.

A new foot for my stand mixer.  I cannot bear the way that it jumps around all over the bench when I am using it - which you know that I do, see church cake baking above.  I don't need a new mixer, just a new foot for it.  Please!!

Some sort of device to stop teenagers banging doors.  The noise goes right through me.  I know that when they were toddlers I asked for something to help them open the doors themselves so that they didn't keep shutting themselves in, but perhaps we could, ahem, change that around now?

A day of peace on Christmas Day.  For there to be no arguments, for nothing to burn, boil over, or end up tasteless or inedible.  For there to be no surprise guests like last year.  No wars, famines or other natural disasters.

For no socks, or underwear of any kind.  From anyone.

What I really want most of all though is for everyone to be well and happy.  For my friends not to be suffering with illness, job losses and other difficulties.  For everyone to have enough food to eat, a roof over their head and warm clothes to wear and heating that works.  For health for all.  That would be the most very best gift of all.

I don't need anything for me - apart from that mixer foot!

That is all really.  Oh, apart from one thing, please don't send me one of those giant boxes of 70% off chocolates.  They weren't actually very nice.....

Happy Christmas to you.  I hope that you have a good one!  I will leave you out the usual mince pie and glass of sherry for appearances sake, the bottle of whiskey and the pork pie will be in the usual secret hiding place too.  Oh, and the beer for Rudolph.

Love to you and Mrs Christmas and all of the elves and reindeer.  xxxx

********************

A work of fiction only!

Previous years Christmas Tales can be found here and here.  This is becoming a little tradition for me now, the second Wednesday of December each year, a little story to share with you all.  All are written by me.  One little story a year!  It will take a long time to write a book.

Happy Christmas!

Amy

37 comments:

  1. Brilliant Amy. Totally superb, made me chuckle. It maybe fiction but quite a bit here resonated! A great tradition this second Wednesday in December of yours x

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  2. A lovely Santa letter. I'm sure you'll be on the nice list!

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  3. Excellent post. Well done. Very entertaining.

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  4. I love it, Amy. And, although it might be fiction, I think a lot of this will ring true with most of us! :o)

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  5. Excellent. A great post and thought provoking!

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  6. Great Amy! You'd better watch you, you might get swamped with feet! x

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  7. Wonderful, I'm starting the day with a smile, thank you. And you will definitely be on the Nice list. CJ xx

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  8. For a minute, I really believed all that!! Be good. x

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  9. Briliant Amy if nothing else the coal in your stocking will help keep you warm :-)

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  10. Enjoyed your writing Amy! Hope Father Christmas will appreciate it as well! By the way, your crochet quilt on the previous post looks fantastic. Love the shades!
    Happy countdown to Christmas
    Olympia

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  11. Ha-ha! I'm glad to hear it is fiction. I was aghast you would take something from an old woman's trolley. Ha! :)

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  12. Aw Amy this is brilliant! Thanks for the giggle, reading your letter was a lovely start to my day :-) And I'm holding thumbs & crossing fingers that either way, that little foot appears under your tree this Christmas. Love & hugs, xx

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  13. Haha ... I started reading this thinking it was true, blanching at the thought of you pilfering from some poor old lady's trolley. So funny - brilliant! M x

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  14. Ha ha, very good, and if you get the device to stop teenagers banging doors, please let me know what it is.

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  15. I know you say this is a work of fiction but I really do hope you get a new foot for your mixer...oh, and world peace would be nice too. xx

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  16. If you get the anti-door-banger, can you find out where it's made and let me know? I'd like to buy one for our place. :D

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  17. Got a giggle out of that one! Taking chocolates out of an old lady's cart. Too funny! I remember someone taking something out of my Grandmother's cart, only with the intention of asking her a question about it, and she snapped, "put that right back!". I learned my lesson there and then! Great little story.

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  18. Very entertaining Amy. It made me smile. X

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  19. Really enjoyed that Amy, made me smile on a very grey day and when I'm not feeling 100% either - thank you:)

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  20. I loved this, Amy. You could've added a PS to Santa ... such as PS, please could you devise a present for my correspondent, Margaret, so that it closes the lavatory seat and lid after males in the family have used the loo? y friend really doesn't like seeing the lid permanently left up! This would be a device similar to the one to make teenagers stop banging doors. I'm sure your elves could come up with something suitable?
    Margaret P

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  21. Maybe you could put your stories together in a short anthology!

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  22. Aah, this is fab, lovely little story, and like others have said, a lot of it rings true, we all try so hard to be good but end up failing, but it's the effort that counts! Merry Christmas to you and yours and let's hope that everyone does get some happiness this year, xxx

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  23. Well you had me there for a little bit! I was thinking"oooo she didn't, did she?!" ... ha ha ha! Very funny piece Amy, I thoroughly enjoyed it today. You are a card!
    ~Wendy

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  24. Hah I enjoyed this Amy such fun, I hope that Santa listens and gives you all your heart desires. :) xx

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  25. Ha! This has made me giggle. I need the device that stops doors being banged too. Hey, it is amazing how many people do not say thank you though these days, I am paranoid about it and always ensure my girls have too - such bad manners! Thank you for the chocolate story, it was at that point I realised it was probably fiction ha! XX

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  26. Really great, Amy! Funny & poignant at the same time! You have the knack of making us smile!
    Enjoy your day!

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  27. Funny story, but I knew it couldn't be true when I reached the part about you taking the chocolates out of the old lady's cart, that was so not you!
    Thank you for the card, not necessary, but such a delight to get.

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  28. So funny Amy, join me on Santa's (very in my case) naughty step, trying to repent...I am sure we will not be alone on his list, but the slate gets wiped clean New Year's Eve my dear dad used to tell me apparently???? Doesn't last though ..I think I was born naughty oh but it is so much fun xx

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  29. Oh, AMY! NOT the little old lady's chocolates. That really was one over the top. On the other hand, you did scoop the litter box of nasty old Spike. That really was an unpleasant piece of business. Maybe the chocolates can be forgiven. Especially considering they weren't very good.

    Hope you really DO have a very nice Christmas. The story was adorable! :-)

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  30. Oh you made me laugh! And the comment above made me laugh! Say, I have a tip for the jumping mixer stand. Martha Stewart taught it to me. ; > Spread a dampened tea towel on your surface and set the mixer with stand on it. It works for me!

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  31. Vee, maybe standing the noisy teenagers on a dampened tea towel would have much the same effect, anchoring them to the ground so as to prevent them slamming doors!
    Margaret P

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  32. What a neat idea :-) Hoping your holiday season is absolutely perfect :-)

    Blessings,
    Jill

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  33. What a cute idea Amy and I enjoyed this post! I hope you have a nice Friday and weekend. Julie

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  34. love this Amy. I need a giggle today x

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  35. Oh my goodness you brought such a smile to my face, I love this. And I think you deserve so much more than you asked for, but Peace, the end of hunger and war wouldn't that be the best?
    Hugs,
    Meredith

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