I have tried to be very good this year. Although I am not sure that I have managed it, so whether or not I end up on the nice list is debatable. Perhaps you have already put me on the naughty list and if so, I understand.
Perhaps though I can offer some mitigation for all that you have seen this year.
Yes, it was me that you saw stuffing garden waste into the neighbours bin. And the bin belonging to the neighbours on the other side. In my defence there was a mountain of the stuff to get rid of, and they were both away on holiday. Surely you can see that it was a waste just to leave the bins empty on collection day.
I must also admit to being the person who did indeed take the large box of reduced by 70% chocolates out of that old ladies trolley at the supermarket. I needed chocolate and, well, lets face it, she was never going to eat that many chocolates was she. Sorry. I know, I am bad. I didn't exactly steal it though, I did pay for them, and you will remember that I did share them. Well, two of them. OK, I admit it, one of them.
As for the other little thing. I am sorry. Truly. I really didn't mean it. Well, obviously, I did it, but not maliciously. Or with intent to cause harm. You are right, I shouldn't have coughed my germs everywhere all over that woman, but did you see what she did!!! She took the last parking space. From under my nose. So rude!!
Oh, so many troubles. I am sure that I am on the naughty list. Really I didn't mean to be bad and I have tried to be good. Perhaps if I remind you of some of the better things you will change your mind.
Remember when I went round to both neighbours while they were both away to check on their houses and get the post in. Every day. For a month. And neither of them said thank you. Sorry. That sounded grumpier than I meant it to. I also fed the demon cat Spike every day for a month even though he kept spitting at me and scratched me every day. And I kept his litter tray emptied. And remember, no one said thank you. Sorry that isn't very gracious is it. I hope you know what I mean!
Collecting all of those sports equipment for schools coupons and then going to seven different schools to try and find one that was collecting them. Only to discover that the date for sending them in had passed. I did give them a donation though. These things just seem to backfire on me somehow.
Not eating a single cake while manning the cake stall at the church fete this summer. I bought and paid for everything that I consumed and only did so after my stint was over. And I baked three cakes and two trays of biscuits. I realise that dropping them all on the way there meant that no one actually got to buy or eat them, but I tried.
It just seems that being good always goes wrong for me. I don't know why. I try so hard, it just doesn't seem to come out right.
Anyway, if by some miracle the good has outweighed the bad, and you are accepting gift requests, here is what I would like this year, if you would kindly consider my request. Please.
A new foot for my stand mixer. I cannot bear the way that it jumps around all over the bench when I am using it - which you know that I do, see church cake baking above. I don't need a new mixer, just a new foot for it. Please!!
Some sort of device to stop teenagers banging doors. The noise goes right through me. I know that when they were toddlers I asked for something to help them open the doors themselves so that they didn't keep shutting themselves in, but perhaps we could, ahem, change that around now?
A day of peace on Christmas Day. For there to be no arguments, for nothing to burn, boil over, or end up tasteless or inedible. For there to be no surprise guests like last year. No wars, famines or other natural disasters.
For no socks, or underwear of any kind. From anyone.
What I really want most of all though is for everyone to be well and happy. For my friends not to be suffering with illness, job losses and other difficulties. For everyone to have enough food to eat, a roof over their head and warm clothes to wear and heating that works. For health for all. That would be the most very best gift of all.
I don't need anything for me - apart from that mixer foot!
That is all really. Oh, apart from one thing, please don't send me one of those giant boxes of 70% off chocolates. They weren't actually very nice.....
Happy Christmas to you. I hope that you have a good one! I will leave you out the usual mince pie and glass of sherry for appearances sake, the bottle of whiskey and the pork pie will be in the usual secret hiding place too. Oh, and the beer for Rudolph.
Love to you and Mrs Christmas and all of the elves and reindeer. xxxx
A work of fiction only!
Previous years Christmas Tales can be found here and here. This is becoming a little tradition for me now, the second Wednesday of December each year, a little story to share with you all. All are written by me. One little story a year! It will take a long time to write a book.