2.15 am - Is that helicopter still buzzing or is it snoring. Snoring. I knew it was a bad idea to have his father come and stay. Right, come on woman, go to sleep.
4.23 am - What! What’s happening. Just what I need, now he’s snoring too. Great.
4.27 am - Why does he have to snore. Just like his father.
4.30 am - The children will be up soon, perhaps I should go downstairs and start cooking.
6.00 am - BLEEP BLEEP PARP PARP BLEEP BLEEP PARP PARP. How the heck did he forget to turn the alarm off. Turn the alarm off, you’ll wake everyone up!!
6.01 am - Why do I do this. Do they really believe in Father Christmas. Don’t they realise 4 hours ago I was the one ramming all of this tat into those stockings.
6.15 am - Do I look like someone who wants a bedfull of tangerines and walnuts, they take the good stuff and leave me the fruit. Wonderful.
6.16 am - Charming, He leaves the alarm on, wakes up the kids and his mother blames me for waking her up. Great start to the day.
7.02 am - No, dearest father in law it isn’t too early for me to start drinking. IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY and you are in my house!!
7.14 am - Do I look like someone who wants scented drawer liners and a multi pack of granny knickers for Christmas. How am I going to fake interest in this one.
7.16 am - Fan flipping tastic. More scented drawer liners.
7.20 am - This is getting ridiculous, how many granny knickers can I need. Oh no, I spoke too soon, Tan tights, pack of 20 pairs.
7.23 am - I will not argue. I don’t care what he said. I will not argue. I don’t care what he said. Oh, phone.
7.45 am - How can my parents be lost already, they can’t have left the house more than 10 minutes ago.
7.46 am - How can that helicopter still have any battery power. It’s been buzzing away all night. If anyone thinks that I’m going to scale the tree to get it down again they can forget it.
8.00 am - What does she mean, you can’t stuff a turkey like that. I’ll stuff it any way I like and if she doesn’t like it she can come in here and I’ll stuff it up her…
8.01 am - Why me. Why. You can’t ring me up, tell me that you are lost on a road, by a field with a tree in it and expect me to know where you are. GRRRRRRRRR.
8.02 am - Right, 45 minutes behind schedule. Cancel turkey resting time.
8.32 am - Now whose talking Mr too early to drink. You’ve had half a bottle of champagne to yourself already. Just what I need. Drunk in laws before lunch. Oh well, if you can’t beat ‘em....
9.06 am - So, they leave home at 7 am for a 20 minute journey, get lost and take 2 hours to find their way here, and then turn up with scented drawer liners, granny knickers and more tights.
9.16 am -Right, clothes, clothes, clothes. Not that I see what is wrong with my dressing gown and Christmas PJ’s. Jeans. Better not, mother in law will really whinge. Skirt. Too short, I can do without being ogled. Dress. Wore that last year. Will mother remember.
9.22 am - So, the woman can’t remember the way to my house, but she knows that I wore this dress last Christmas. Tough. She’s had that nasty pleated skirt and blouse for about 100 years now. Where’s the rest of the champagne.
9.57 am - Do I look like a chef. Does this look like a hotel. Does it look like a restaurant. Why announce on Christmas Day that you have given up eating turkey. Why. Why. Why. Why. How can you give up turkey and expect me to have some fillet steak on hand. Tough, it’s tough turkey or nowt.
10.05 am - Thank goodness for cooking sherry. Do you think that she did see me swigging from the bottle.
10.06 am - She did. Great.
10.31 am - Yes Vicar, I do look tired. Great Christmas Day greeting.
11.00 am - Will anyone notice if I sleep through the sermon.
11.01 am - Whose snoring.
11.02 am - Father in law. Again.
11.03 am - Great
12.00 noon - Right, black bin bag and stuff all the M&S packs in before they see. Ram it all in the oven. Where’s the sherry.
12.34 pm - Why’s it all gone quiet. I wonder if they’ve had a fight. What if Dad told one of his jokes. Do I go in there and check, or stay here with the sherry.
12.35 pm - Unusual. Didn’t expect father in law to tell that sort of story. I guess the kids had to hear it sometime. I would have preferred not Christmas Day. Oh no, what if they ask questions. Don’t think about it, put it out of your mind. It might go away.
12.36 pm - Nope, that image is still there.
1.00 pm - How can that turkey not be cooked. It’s been in for hours. I knew I should have ordered that ready stuffed boned and rolled thing. Sherry.
2.00 pm - Lunch. It’s just lunch. Oh, wine. I forgot the crackers. I forgot the crackers. Where did I hide them. Crackers, crackers, crackers. I know. Wardrobe.
2.10 pm - Wish that I had left those blinking crackers in the wardrobe. I don’t believe this, she hates them and Mum agrees. They’re ganging up on me now.
2.20 pm - Ugg, this sauce is disgusting. What did she put in it.
2.21 pm -Raw onion. In cranberry sauce. RAW ONION!!
3.00 pm - It’s alright for the queen, she wanders off to church, some other poor soul is slaving away in the kitchen. I bet she isn’t watching herself on TV now, broadcasting to the world. Do you think she knows that there is a bunch of roses growing out of her head. Nope, obviously not. I wonder if the corgi’s get Christmas dinner.
3.15 pm - So, half an hour ago they were all too full for pudding and now they all want feeding again. Well, when they finish washing up. What was that crashing sound.
3.24 pm - Oh well, at least it was only one of her nasty plates. I wasn’t expecting him to have thrown it at her though. I mean, on Christmas Day. Mr and Mrs Perfect in law.
4.03 pm - Is it too late to send them out for a walk. Charades. Trivial pursuits. Scrabble. Sleep.
4.28 pm - How can that man be snoring again. He snored all night, he snored in church and now he is snoring in my armchair. My armchair. In my house. Why am I the only one sitting on a bean bag.
4.32 pm - Right whose asleep, Mum, Dad, Tommy, Katie, John, Mother in law… Yep, Father in law – no need to ask there.
4.33 pm - Peace. I wonder if she will notice if I steal one of her chocolates.
4.46 pm - Or the whole box full.
5.54 pm - I feel a bit sick. What do I do with this empty box. She won’t remember, I’ll stuff it under the couch.
6.30 pm - OK, two teas, three coffees, two hot chocolates. What about me. Is there any sherry left.
6.35 pm - I knew I forgot something. I wonder where I left it. I’m sure I bought one. Think. Think. Could I have put it in the wardrobe. Understairs cupboard. Who wants Christmas cake anyway.
7.30 pm - Eastenders! Their day has to have been worse than mine.
8.00 pm - Yes!!!!!!!!!!! At least my day didn’t go like Ian Beale’s did. Ha!!
8.01 pm - Right, kids to bed, pack Mum and Dad off home, then I can settle down with a cuppa.
8.03 pm - How did the woman know. She was asleep. How did she know that I had eaten all of her chocolates and where I had hidden the box. She has some sort of mindreading radar I reckon. I wonder if she knows how I feel about her.
9.06 pm - How are they all asleep again and I’m still awake. Now whose on the phone.
9.11 pm - Well, at least Mum found her way back home OK.
10.30 pm - There’s that buzzing again. Ouch. That hurt. Why would that blooming helicopter come out of the tree now.
11.24 pm - He’s still snoring. Oh, roll on tomorrow….
Rest assured, it's just fiction! I hope that your Christmas isn't like this.
This is a work of fiction of my own writing, copyright is mine December 2013.