Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Just imagine - A Christmas Tale

2.00 am - Thank goodness, at last, peace.  I think.  What is that buzzing noise.  The tree, the lights, no, lower down.  Oh no, that remote controlled helicopter has gone off again.  Better dig through the pile I suppose.  I bet Father bleeping Christmas never has these problems.  If I leave it, will the batteries will go flat…

2.15 am - Is that helicopter still buzzing or is it snoring.  Snoring.  I knew it was a bad idea to have his father come and stay.  Right, come on woman, go to sleep.

4.23 am - What!  What’s happening.  Just what I need, now he’s snoring too.  Great.

4.27 am - Why does he have to snore.  Just like his father.

4.30 am - The children will be up soon, perhaps I should go downstairs and start cooking.

6.00 am - BLEEP BLEEP PARP PARP BLEEP BLEEP PARP PARP.  How the heck did he forget to turn the alarm off.  Turn the alarm off, you’ll wake everyone up!!

6.01 am - Why do I do this.  Do they really believe in Father Christmas.  Don’t they realise 4 hours ago I was the one ramming all of this tat into those stockings.

6.15 am - Do I look like someone who wants a bedfull of tangerines and walnuts, they take the good stuff and leave me the fruit.  Wonderful.

6.16 am - Charming, He leaves the alarm on, wakes up the kids and his mother blames me for waking her up.  Great start to the day.

7.02 am - No, dearest father in law it isn’t too early for me to start drinking.  IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY and you are in my house!!

7.14 am - Do I look like someone who wants scented drawer liners and a multi pack of granny knickers for Christmas.  How am I going to fake interest in this one.

7.16 am - Fan flipping tastic.  More scented drawer liners.

7.20 am - This is getting ridiculous, how many granny knickers can I need.  Oh no, I spoke too soon, Tan tights, pack of 20 pairs.

7.23 am - I will not argue.  I don’t care what he said.  I will not argue.  I don’t care what he said.  Oh, phone.

7.45 am - How can my parents be lost already, they can’t have left the house more than 10 minutes ago.

7.46 am - How can that helicopter still have any battery power.  It’s been buzzing away all night.  If anyone thinks that I’m going to scale the tree to get it down again they can forget it.

8.00 am - What does she mean, you can’t stuff a turkey like that.  I’ll stuff it any way I like and if she doesn’t like it she can come in here and I’ll stuff it up her…

8.01 am - Why me.  Why.  You can’t ring me up, tell me that you are lost on a road, by a field with a tree in it and expect me to know where you are.  GRRRRRRRRR.

8.02 am - Right, 45 minutes behind schedule.  Cancel turkey resting time.

8.32 am - Now whose talking Mr too early to drink.  You’ve had half a bottle of champagne to yourself already.  Just what I need.  Drunk in laws before lunch.  Oh well, if you can’t beat ‘em....

9.06 am - So, they leave home at 7 am for a 20 minute journey, get lost and take 2 hours to find their way here, and then turn up with scented drawer liners, granny knickers and more tights.

9.16 am -  Right, clothes, clothes, clothes.  Not that I see what is wrong with my dressing gown and Christmas PJ’s.  Jeans.  Better not, mother in law will really whinge.  Skirt.  Too short, I can do without being ogled.  Dress.  Wore that last year.  Will mother remember.

9.22 am - So, the woman can’t remember the way to my house, but she knows that I wore this dress last Christmas.  Tough.  She’s had that nasty pleated skirt and blouse for about 100 years now.  Where’s the rest of the champagne.

9.57 am - Do I look like a chef.  Does this look like a hotel.  Does it look like a restaurant.  Why announce on Christmas Day that you have given up eating turkey.  Why.  Why.  Why.  Why.  How can you give up turkey and expect me to have some fillet steak on hand.  Tough, it’s tough turkey or nowt.

10.05 am - Thank goodness for cooking sherry.  Do you think that she did see me swigging from the bottle.

10.06 am - She did.  Great.

10.31 am - Yes Vicar, I do look tired.  Great Christmas Day greeting.

11.00 am - Will anyone notice if I sleep through the sermon.

11.01 am - Whose snoring.

11.02 am - Father in law.  Again.

11.03 am - Great

12.00 noon - Right, black bin bag and stuff all the M&S packs in before they see.  Ram it all in the oven.  Where’s the sherry.

12.34 pm - Why’s it all gone quiet.  I wonder if they’ve had a fight.  What if Dad told one of his jokes.  Do I go in there and check, or stay here with the sherry.

12.35 pm - Unusual.  Didn’t expect father in law to tell that sort of story.  I guess the kids had to hear it sometime.  I would have preferred not Christmas Day.  Oh no, what if they ask questions.  Don’t think about it, put it out of your mind.  It might go away.

12.36 pm - Nope, that image is still there.

1.00 pm - How can that turkey not be cooked.  It’s been in for hours.  I knew I should have ordered that ready stuffed boned and rolled thing.  Sherry.

2.00 pm - Lunch.  It’s just lunch.  Oh, wine.  I forgot the crackers.  I forgot the crackers.  Where did I hide them.  Crackers, crackers, crackers.  I know.  Wardrobe.

2.10 pm - Wish that I had left those blinking crackers in the wardrobe.  I don’t believe this, she hates them and Mum agrees.  They’re ganging up on me now.

2.20 pm - Ugg, this sauce is disgusting.  What did she put in it.
 
2.21 pm - Raw onion.  In cranberry sauce.  RAW ONION!!

3.00 pm - It’s alright for the queen, she wanders off to church, some other poor soul is slaving away in the kitchen.  I bet she isn’t watching herself on TV now, broadcasting to the world.  Do you think she knows that there is a bunch of roses growing out of her head.  Nope, obviously not.  I wonder if the corgi’s get Christmas dinner.

3.15 pm - So, half an hour ago they were all too full for pudding and now they all want feeding again.  Well, when they finish washing up.  What was that crashing sound.

3.24 pm - Oh well, at least it was only one of her nasty plates.  I wasn’t expecting him to have thrown it at her though.  I mean, on Christmas Day.  Mr and Mrs Perfect in law.

4.03 pm - Is it too late to send them out for a walk.  Charades.  Trivial pursuits.  Scrabble.  Sleep.

4.28 pm - How can that man be snoring again.  He snored all night, he snored in church and now he is snoring in my armchair.  My armchair.  In my house.  Why am I the only one sitting on a bean bag.

4.32 pm - Right whose asleep, Mum, Dad, Tommy, Katie, John, Mother in law… Yep, Father in law – no need to ask there.

4.33 pm - Peace.  I wonder if she will notice if I steal one of her chocolates.

4.46 pm - Or the whole box full.

5.54 pm - I feel a bit sick.  What do I do with this empty box.  She won’t remember, I’ll stuff it under the couch.

6.30 pm - OK, two teas, three coffees, two hot chocolates.  What about me.  Is there any sherry left.

6.35 pm - I knew I forgot something.  I wonder where I left it.  I’m sure I bought one.  Think.  Think.  Could I have put it in the wardrobe.  Understairs cupboard.  Who wants Christmas cake anyway.

7.30 pm - Eastenders!  Their day has to have been worse than mine.

8.00 pm - Yes!!!!!!!!!!!  At least my day didn’t go like Ian Beale’s did.  Ha!!

8.01 pm - Right, kids to bed, pack Mum and Dad off home, then I can settle down with a cuppa.

8.03 pm - How did the woman know.  She was asleep.  How did she know that I had eaten all of her chocolates and where I had hidden the box.  She has some sort of mindreading radar I reckon.  I wonder if she knows how I feel about her.

9.06 pm - How are they all asleep again and I’m still awake.  Now whose on the phone.

9.11 pm - Well, at least Mum found her way back home OK.

10.30 pm - There’s that buzzing again.  Ouch.  That hurt.  Why would that blooming helicopter come out of the tree now.

11.24 pm - He’s still snoring.  Oh, roll on tomorrow….
 
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Rest assured, it's just fiction!  I hope that your Christmas isn't like this.
 
Amy
 
This is a work of fiction of my own writing, copyright is mine December 2013.

41 comments:

  1. I sincerely hope that no ones Christmas is like this, though I'm sure we can all take bits from it at one time or another.

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    1. I hope not either Jo, but just a bit of fun! xx

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  2. That was FABULOUS!!
    A good laugh at breakfast time..thanks!
    Jane x

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  3. I laugh with this in the morning! but really hope you will be a better Christmas!!:)
    haha but some things HAPPENS I know!! xxx

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    1. I do sooooooo hope that no one has a Christmas like this, but we all have a few moments I am sure! Hope that you don't ever have a day like this one Gloria!! xx

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    2. I love this past: Yes Vicar I do I look tired.....haha

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  4. Oh Amy I'm not sure that is just fiction - I'm sure everybody will be able to relate to at least part of the story - sadly for me it's the tan tights! Hope your Christmas will not pan out like this one! Jane x

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    1. What is the deal with tights as a present, glad that I am not the only one Jane!! Fortunately I have never been attacked by a helicopter falling out of a Christmas Tree, but our angel keeps falling off and has bopped me on the head twice this week already! xx

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  5. That was brilliant! Really made me smile..we have many like that over the years! Lizzie x

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    1. You would have to smile if you had a day like that wouldn't you Lizzie! Hope that you have a great day this year. xx

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  6. Funny! I hope everyone has a more peaceful holiday than this but it made me laugh.

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    1. I hope that yo have a very peaceful Christmas Day Jennifer - and nothing like this one!! xx

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  7. AMY!!!! This is just what I needed! I was laughing the whole way through!!! Because...seriously...some of that stuff has happened to me! HA! You are such a fantastic writer!!! It was so refreshing to read your tale! All the best to you today friend!!! Nicole xoxo

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    1. Thank you Nicole, you are so kind. Glad it made you laugh. I hope that you have never had to resort to eating a whole box of someone else's chocolates on Christmas Day! xx

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  8. Fiction... Oh, sure it was!

    But I laughed my butt off! Not at your expense, I hope!!!

    I've often wished for a big house full of big company for the holidays. But I'm fine now... Small'ish house, no one for the holidays. Naps whenever I wish to take them, no one to cook for. Sounds rather nice. Until it's happening...

    Much love!

    Merry Christmas and do make it Merry, please!

    xo

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    1. In my imagination I would have a load of people round for dinner Janet, with lots of home cooked food and all would be just as if I was Martha. In reality, I would probably end up in a heap sobbing, so like you, I like me small house with just us for Christmas dinner and no expectations of perfection! I will do my best to have a Merry Christmas provided that you do too! xx

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  9. Great read, gave me a chuckle!

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    1. Glad it made you laugh Anne, I hope that you never have a Christmas like this - I am sure that you would never eat anyone else's chocolates! xx

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  10. ha ha ha!!!
    You are crazeee Amy....
    Enjoyed the read....Sadly...I am sure some people actually have days like this!
    I will be having 8 for Christmas...and perhaps an extra handful for dessert...PERFECT!!!
    Enjoy your evening.......you earned it! ha!
    Cheers my friend♥
    Linda :o)

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    1. I am thankful to say that I have never had a day like this, but I have had elements of it - some rather dodgy gifts and I have been known to take a large glass of wine to the kitchen whilst cooking!! Hope that your dinner for 8 goes well - especially if you have more coming too!! Having a lovely evening snuggled in big green!! xx

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    2. Awesome.......glad you are snuggly!

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  11. Hahaha, that is hilarious, I just hope mine doesn't turn out like that :)
    Sally xxx

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    1. Let's hope not Sally! Glad it gave you a chuckle. xx

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  12. Hi Amy,

    What a long Christmas day! I wonder whose Christmas is exactly like this.... hmmm!

    Seasons greetings from Australia! I'm a big fan of craft, knitting and baking but my blog is only about baking :p

    Nice to know you via blogging. I'm now your latest follower and hope to stay connected via blogging. Cheers!

    Zoe

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    1. Thank you for stopping by and for following Zoe, hope to see you again. I hope that you have a great Christmas and New Year. xx

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  13. Very funny! Like others I can relate to quite a few incidents over the years, but now our Christmas's are much smaller affairs and definitely have a free flow, whatever feel. We have two birthdays in the run up so its all go.

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    1. We are pretty relaxed at Christmas here Chrissie. Hope that your Christmas is a good one as well as those two birthdays!! xx

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  14. Tee Hee - so glad that's fiction, I was almost inviting you over to ours for some peace & quiet! It reads like the sort of Christmas Day that Bridget Jones would have. Hope all is calm & bright, and you enjoy a Merry Christmas !
    Xx

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    1. Oh Gilly, yes, so exactly Bridget Jones!! You are right. Hope you have a great Christmas. xx

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  15. Well I like champagne on Christmas day-helps me get through the cooking....but not at 8.30am...I'm happy to say. Made me laugh and hope that no one has a day like that.

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    1. We don't have champagne at 8.30, but maybe 10.30 Suzie! Only on Christmas Day though. Hope that you have a wonderful Christmas. xx

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  16. Great stuff, made me smile- hope your Christmas goes better than this one :)

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    1. Glad it gave you a smile Amanda, I hope that you have a great Christmas! xx

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  17. Hilarious Amy! I am so glad that this was fiction, I nearly had a spot set for you at our table... to which you are always more than welcome! Merry Christmas my dear, Hazel xxx

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    1. Thank you Hazel, no need to set me a place, but very kind of you to offer! Hope that you have a great Christmas. xx

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  18. Amy you had me in stitches, I was crying from all the laughing. This is so so funny!!! You need to be writing a book dear as I NEED to read it NOW!!! You have no idea how much you cheered me up today, thank you lovely and yes lets hope no one has to go through this on Christmas day, but I suspect someone will. Brilliant!! xoxo

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    1. Let's hope that neither of us have a Christmas day like this Hannapat! Glad that it gave you some cheer today. Take care and have a good weekend. xx

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  19. Love it ... when's your first novel being published ... you're a natural! Honestly I was laughing so hard I choked on my coffee!

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    1. Oh no, no choking please Annie! Glad you enjoyed it. Perhaps next year I need to get down to trying to write something properly! xx

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